Be Like Winston Churchill

Hi Everyone,

Let me first of all say “thank you and welcome” to all of the new subscribers to this blog and I hope you find what I write helpful. If there are any topics you’d especially like me to write about, please let me know.

“Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” 

Winston Churchill

This is Just Too Hard...I’ll Do It Tomorrow

I think there are some general principles that apply across treating any anxiety disorder (and probably apply to how to live life in general) and I thought in this blog post I would discuss one of those. One of the primary tools is simply being doggedly persistent and never giving up. Certainly understanding the principles behind cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure with response prevention (see previous blog posts) are excellent general guidelines, but when applying these principles it is so important to just persist over the long-term. Inevitably as you try to work on your anxiety you will have days where you won’t feel like doing the exposure work, you get busy and find other things that seem more important at the time and it may seem like despite all your efforts, that the anxiety is simply remaining a huge problem for you and seems like it will never go away. And it is so tempting to simply avoid facing the anxiety because it’s so much easier. Facing anxiety and facing what you fear is difficult and challenging and it’s seductive to think “Why not just do it tomorrow? I’m too tired today!” or “This is too hard! I can’t do it!”. We can logically see that it would be so much better if we didn’t have the anxiety in the first place, but yet we can’t seem to muster the determination to do as we know we need to do, face what scares us and do what we have to do to overcome it.

Human beings are so very prone to doing what feels good in the moment and not do what we know we “should” do. People who smoke may be very well aware that in the long run smoking is not good for them, but smoking that cigarette feels good in the moment. Taking the elevator seems so much easier than climbing the stairs to the office, so “I’ll just take the elevator...just for today. I’ll take the stairs tomorrow when I feel better”; “I’m feeling rather tired this morning and it’s kinda cold outside, so I won’t go jogging today”; “I’ll do it tomorrow”. Our minds are very creative at finding reasons why we shouldn’t/can’t do what we know we should do. The list of excuses that our minds come up with for avoiding doing what we know we need to do in the moment is endless. So what are we to do?

It’s Good to do Hard Things

A model that I’m trying to follow myself this year is “It’s good to do hard things.” Embedded in this model is the idea that to live the life that I want to live I must be, at times, willing to do hard things. I am a firm believer in the value of consistency and just simple dogged determination and persistence. And I’ve seen this sort of posture benefit many of my clients over the years as well. Inevitably as my clients seek to overcome their anxiety issues there are days (or weeks or months) where they simply can’t do it and they often will get quite discouraged and stop trying. The ability to tolerate the inevitable stumbles that we all face in attempting to overcome our anxiety (and change any behavior) and get back on track as soon as possible, I think, is one of the best predictors of a successful long-term outcome. If we approach overcoming anxiety (changing any behavior) with the idea that it will be steady consistent upward progress towards recovery, when we encounter some kind of struggle or our motivation disappears and we get off track, it will seem like it’s “impossible” to bring about the change we're seeking and we stop trying. If however, we understand that everyone struggles, recovery is never is a nice straight line, forgive ourselves for the days when our motivation seems to have abandoned us and as soon as possible get right back on track with doing what makes sense in the long run, we are much more likely to eventually achieve the outcome we desire.

Here are three other additions to the above strategy. Recognize that just because our mind tells us that “this is too hard and you can’t do it!”, doesn’t mean that we have to believe that thought. Part of the framework behind “it’s good to do hard things” is, on occasion, doing hard things just for the practice. Just because your mind tells you that you’re too tired and can’t climb the stairs today, doesn’t mean that you can’t thank your mind for the advice, ignore the advice and climb the stairs anyway. In fact, I would recommend this exact strategy as a way of getting better at not letting your mind dictate what you can and can’t do. The second  idea is that if you wait till you feel motivated to do something, you might have a very long wait. In fact, it’s often the case that the behavior change comes first and the motivation comes afterwards. So don’t wait to feel “motivated” to make a change, simply start anyway and see what happens. A third idea is to start small at first and then see how it goes.  If you set the initial goal small enough it’s almost impossible to convince yourself that you can’t do it. For example, if you want to build up to running a mile, can you start with going for a five minute walk? If your goal is to do 25 push-ups, can you start with doing just one push-up? If your goal is to overcome your fear of crossing bridges can you pick the easiest bridge and then devote 10 minutes to walking five minutes onto the bridge, turn around and walk the five minutes back off the bridge?  If you’re afraid to touch doorknobs because of OCD contamination fears, can you commit to touching the knob with one finger at first and going from there? You get the idea.

Be Easy on Yourself

I think it is easy to agree with what I’ve said above, the hard part is to act on it in the moment. I think self compassion plays a big role and it is so important to gently forgive ourselves for those days where we simply don’t follow through (“What? You can’t even do one pushup...what’s wrong with you?”) rather than berate ourselves for being so “lazy.” I often say to my clients somewhat jokingly  “My clients never fail, they have delayed successes!” And though I say this somewhat jokingly, I am quite serious in the perspective it offers.  I will have more to say about self compassion in future blog posts.

So never give up, be kind to yourself when you struggle or stumble and just keep going.

Thanks for reading this blog, stay safe and I’ll see you next week,

Dr Bob