Acceptance and Willingness
Hi Everyone,
I hope you’re all staying safe during this wild time in our history. Hang in there, the vaccine is on its way and some of you may have already been vaccinated. We aren’t yet seeing the numbers go down significantly, but that should begin to happen soon as more of us get vaccinated. In the meantime keep up with the safety measures: maintain at least 6’ distance; wear your masks, stay home unless you absolutely must go out and wash your hands often. Many of my clients (and myself included) are getting cabin fever because we can’t do many of the things we used to do like get out to meet with friends, go to the gym to work out, or eat out at a restaurant. This is causing many of my clients to experience an increase in their anxiety and/or depression. If my clients happen to have children who are “attending” online/virtual school that complicates family dynamics and if those children are in elementary school and need supervision and one or both parents are also working from home, it is even more complicated. Hopefully things will soon get better.
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Acceptance and Willingness are Your Allies
I saw a new client yesterday and I asked one of my usual opening questions for a new client “Tell me what it is you most want to accomplish by working with me”, and my new client responded (as most new clients do) with “I want to learn how to control my anxiety”. I think this reflects a fundamental mistake in how people are thinking about how to better manage their anxiety. If the goal is to” get rid of” or “control” anxiety I think we’re heading off in the wrong direction so I often will offer a different perspective to make sure that the new client and I are on the same page. That perspective is that it’s not helpful to try and “get rid of” or “control” anxiety, we’re much better off doing our best to accept and be willing to experience anxiety. Let me explain.
First of all anxiety is a normal emotion that all of us will experience from time to time and so it’s not possible to get rid of it entirely. One of my colleagues often said the only way to completely be rid of anxiety is to be dead! Secondly, I’m convinced that efforts to “control” anxiety will virtually always backfire and cause more anxiety. The more we try and control anxiety the more we get anxiety about anxiety and thus the problem gets worse. A typical example might be someone who has panic disorder and is very worried that they might have another panic attack. Perhaps after drinking a cup of coffee with some caffeine or climbing some stairs and getting slightly out of breath they notice that they are feeling a bit jittery and/or their heart is going a little faster than normal. Since they associate these feelings with past panic attacks, they start worrying that these sensations may be signs of an impending panic attack and probably try to control/stop the escalation of their anxiety. The more they try to stop these sensations, the stronger they get, and they feel even more jittery and out of breath and you can see where it’s headed.
Many people try and use “coping tools” for their anxiety by which they mean ways to stop or control their anxiety such as relaxation or diaphragm breathing and though I’m not against trying either of these methods, I don’t think they are the most effective long term tools. A posture of willingness and acceptance towards anxiety will usually be more effective in the long run. One of the early pioneers in the anxiety field, Claire Weekes, would encourage her anxious clients to “drift and float” through their anxiety attacks.
So here are some quick tips for ways to think about and manage anxiety that, in the long run, are likely to be more effective than trying to control or eliminate your anxiety:
You must face whatever you’re afraid of.
Avoidance usually makes anxiety worse.
Avoidance can be physically avoiding something, like avoiding bridges if you’re afraid of bridges, but can also be avoiding sensations for fear they will lead to anxiety (or panic) such as your heart beating faster or feeling jittery.
It is your effort to avoid anxiety that is the problem, not the anxiety itself.
Acceptance and willingness are your best allies in your struggle with anxiety.
Acceptance doesn’t mean “I’ll accept the anxiety so it will go away” - it means being willing to feel anxiety and still live your life the way you want to.
Living the life you want is the goal - and if that means having some anxiety, then so be it.
Anxiety isn’t your enemy - it’s like a guard dog that is trying to protect you but he thinks the mailman is a burglar.
Talking about anxiety rarely enough to solve the problem, exposure is usually the answer (or at least most of the answer).
I hope you find these tips useful and let me know if you have any questions.
Stay well,
Dr. Bob